As I Fall

I imagine the alternate universes
where I didn't take the plunge,
that step off the precipice; I think this
a split second into the lunge.

I fall and nothing flashes before me:
not my dreams, my life's highs or its lows,
except what it could be.
the tightness in my chest grows.

As I fly towards a zero,
ending the journey of the sperm racing into the womb
I see visions of my life as it would be,
if i were still alive and home.

I would be bored and sad and depressed,
probably mad or a little distressed,
I might be jealous or crazy or scorned,
but at least I'd not be dead.

The dull cold pavement invokes my flesh,
I plead, I cry to my one-minute ago self,
"Don't jump just yet, just think fucking twice,"
My spectre looks down to me, eyes cold as fucking ice.

"Have a heart, motherfucker, think of your unborn kids,
your spawn that might grow up to be better men,
than you, waste of space, pitiable scum,
Give it a shake, a shrug, just don't jump."

As I fall,
the pavement calls;
I know it's over, the deed is done,
And I've overstayed my welcome.

So much for living once...

And yet, I fall
into the abyss,
seconds to impact,
And I still wish I could -