I'm a very politically inflamed guy but choose to keep it in my pants unless there's something REALLY extreme said or done. Indian politics, as most of us who don't live under a rock would know, has never been anything BUT extreme. This compels me to call out bullshit from time to time, mostly on my facebook profile.
Now, let me tell you- I'm no activist or political know-all; in fact I'm closer to being complicit in all the stupid shit that happens in the political arena these days than anything else. So, for the most part, I aim to make no real difference to the status-quo. A figure like me can be likened to the trope of the Gangster Wife, or for want of a better analogy, the humble Nazi footsoldier who was 'only following orders'. I turn a deaf ear to handicapped beggars and charity-appealers, but still rant about wealth inequality on heated facebook comment threads, thus riding the Hypocrisy Express on a first class ticket.
But every once a while something so ridiculous comes along that shit hits the fucking sky. To not call it out for its stupidity tilts the needle of my moral compass to 'criminal offence'.
Asaram Bapu, accused multiple times of being a child rapist and a murderer, is arguably the father of dick moves across the spectrum of right-wing wackos. Him and his pro-Hindutva pals have led rancid and lethal hate campaigns over the years about 'Love Jihad', boycotting Pakistani artists, the politics over beef ban, national anthem and many other minor to major issues.
Their muscle flexing has grown in rabidness after the ascension of the BJP at the central government in 2014. I had privately predicted the rise of these dastardly elements in an argument with my father when the Modi sarkar was elected. Modi himself may not be at the forefront of this fuckall socio-religious thuggery. But his proximity to the Sangh Parivar, documented to have played a role in the Babri masjid demolition - among many other controversial incidents - cast serious doubts in my mind about his integrity to bring these misguided miscreants to books.
Sadly, there exist no better political opponents to Modi as of now, which is dangerous for a diverse democracy. All other regional leaders are either too weak, divisive or corrupt. They have made careers out of politics and filled their personal coffers while at it.
But more on all this some other day; let me go back to Asaram Bapu and the point of this post.
Bapu and his minions run close to fucking 400+ ashrams all across India, but mostly in the 'pak sarzameen' of Gujarat. Kuch din toh guzariye pls.
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Bapu Ji also runs about 40 'gurukuls', or boarding schools which have been mired in controversies related to mysterious deaths of its students. Some parents have accused the staff of practicing black magic, only to later retract their statements in court, under no pressure from anyone at all.
Sounds a lot like Hogwarts, eh?
Hogwarts
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Asaram’s gurukul
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Secretly teaches magic
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Students die under
mysterious circumstances
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Occasionally hounded
by official authorities
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Sometimes muggles
get a whiff of what’s happening but eventually lose their memory
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Led by a bearded old
man whose sexuality is dubious
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Apart from being a part-time court liar, prison inmate and clown, Bapu ji also excels in single handedly keeping the venom of Western cultural influence at bay from the gullible Bharatiya masses. His campaigns to shun the allure of culture-eroding vices like Valentine's Day and Christmas celebrations have manifested in parallel festivals of his own.
He announced 14th February to be marked Matri Pitri
Poojan Divas ("mother-father worship day") and 25th December to be
celebrated as Tulsi Pujan Divas (Basil Worship Day). Surely, these six-sigma certified, ISI-pramaanit Indian festivals could not be observed on any other
two days on the Kaalnirnay calendar.
The most
cringeworthy effort to publicly promote the latter is in the
form of a recent straight-to-DVD, barely feature length film, '25 December: Ek
nayi pahal'. Here's the trailer:
Ouch. The cringe was high with this, right? Picture abhi baaki hai. Turns out they have simultaneously released the full movie on youtube.
Unless you have assimilated the entire experience in 1.5x speed like I did, stop reading here if you care for spoilers. Actually no, just read on; this is truly a spoiler proof film, the only one after the Ebert-certified Inception. My spoilers will only add to your anticipation to witness this unique movie first hand.
In the opening scene, we are introduced to textbook baddie Rocky, who is always chucking around strategically-placed cardboard cartons for some reason. His teenage angst has led him away from the path of goodness and godliness, and the heathen spawn has taken upon himself to stop the pious folk of his housing society from worshiping the Holy Basil ('Tulsi'). While the other angelic kids are busy prepping for the Tulsi worship gig, villainous Rocky reports the public nuisance to the cops. The cops come knocking at the right place and time (for once!) and are just about to cancel the shenanigans for totally legit reasons when...flashback happens.
Turns out everyone in this moronic society is an Asaram supporter and has pimped out their unassuming kids to his gurukul. The young-uns (all suspiciously males) have been brainwashed to sabotage the livelihoods of anyone who deals in cow-flesh ('gau mata hatya'). The story of their twisted efforts to stop cow-flesh trade and other equally worthless pursuits melts the heart of the policemen in charge and they let the show go on. The District Magistrate makes a special appearance and leads the chanting of 'Hari om!' for the enthralled crowd.
One of the kids then goes on to enlist the benefits of tulsi - from being a cure to cancer to an ozone-releasing miracle herb. Poor Rocky takes to the stage and accepts that he had been led astray from the noble path of goodness and...Hinduism. Yes, he does not openly say it, but he confesses that he also 'used to be a Rohan once', and that it was now time to go back to being one. Ghar wapsi, anyone?
No one, at any point, openly targets Christmas or Christianity, but the words 'sharaab aur kabaab' are repeatedly used with disgust and revulsion. The word 'party' is detested; 'utsav' is suggested as an acceptable replacement. Everyone is repeatedly told to observe the 25th of December as Tulsi Pujan Divas alone. It's not like any other major festival falls on the same day, right?
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| Asaram Bapu demonstrating the number of fucks he gives |
And yet, my major problem is not with any of what I just mentioned. I don't really give a shit about misguided, brainwashed masses as long as they are adults. They're already fucked. The chuck-chuck train has long passed for them.
But it is when children are taken away their childhood by adults with an agenda that I lose my shit. Don't drag the fucking kids into your hateful, sexist, xenophobic campaign. Leave them home with better role models. Let them truly make up their minds. Ensure they get the unbiased, neutral account of the world they deserve during their formative years. Don't pass on your fucked up legacy to them.
This goes for everyone who brings along their young ones to political and ideological rallies. Don't. Let them stay home for a day instead, with their Barbie dolls or Hot Wheels, Hardy Boys or Nancy Drews, or whatever it is that sells these days. Don't snatch away their sense of wonder and exploration for your selfish motives.
I am not a parent so I am in no position to say whether I can guarantee the same for my kids (if and when I have any), but I will try. In any case, it's not like we are leaving this place for them in any good shape - this is the least the future generations deserve.
I write this with the biggest FU to everyone who uses kids for their agenda. Fuck you for messing with the children.
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